I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
