he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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