I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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