My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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