I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
