I accidentally had phone sex last night
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
