thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
