Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Floor bacon is actually really good
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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