Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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