I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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