We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
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i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
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Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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