I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He kissed a someone with a penis
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
