honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
A bitchslap is in order.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
