During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
