Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
