After last night, I could never be a politician.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
