omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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