i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
We named our party play list daddy issues
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
