Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
