My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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