after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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