the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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