I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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