I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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