Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
