I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
