i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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