yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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