just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
