I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Watching her eat just hurts me
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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