I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Text me some of your sweat
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
