It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
