Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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