her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
