I will die if light touches me.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
