my phone needs a breathalizer
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
