the condom got lost in my hair
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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