Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
