I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
