College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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