Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
