This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
