There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
