Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
