I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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