btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
