God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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