So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize