I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
