KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
