I seem to have left my pride at pride
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
