My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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