Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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