got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
