alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
