I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
