I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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