Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
