Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
