I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
